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Anybody who follows me on the Twitter (as you all should: @panamajackson) knows that last night, I saw the movie N-Secure. They would also know that I proclaimed it the worst movie of all time…OF ALL TIME. While that statement seems hyperbolic, I assure you it is not. Look, I know bad movies. I’ve seen Truth Hall more than once. Up until the first ten minutes of this movie, you could not convince me that there was a worse movie than Truth Hall.

But alas, I went to see N-Secure and when I say this movie was GOING for the gold, it’s no exaggeration. We’ve got all the elements of ri-damn-diculousness necessary for a bad movie. As a matter of fact, this movie take all the worst elements of every bad movie you’ve seen – from the Trois trilogy to the Tyler Perry suite to Who Made The Potato Salad? – and combines then into one. Basically, it’s like the romance version of Spike Lee’s She Hate Me.

Then it dawned on me: this was a spoof. It had to be. There’s no way that one movie could be THIS bad without everybody involved being aware. Hell, if ANY of them watched the movie upon its completion and didn’t automatically feel sorry for their mothers, then I feel sorry for their mothers.

Let’s talk movie, shall we? Plot. It has one. It’s terrible. Let’s see if I can do a short synopsis, mmkay? Mmkay.

Controlling, angry Black man controls Black women through anger, contracts, and money. Shenanigans ensue.

That about covers it. Let’s talk cast. We have Professor Ogilvy’s thin-haired younger or older brother (no, seriously, I have NO idea how old this guy is. He could be 30 or 60 and neither would surprise me) in Cordell Moore. Essence Atkins does Essence Atkins things. Other people show up.

Oooh Ooooh. You know how the key to a good movie is having the ability to tell a story without actually telling the entire story? Yeah, we don’t have that here. It’s like the writers said f*ck it, we don’t understand how we’re supposed to make this sh*t work either so let’s just tell everybody everything they need to know via contrived restaurant conversations. For instance, our buddy Cordell (he goes by David Washington in the movie) meets up with an old friend of his – remember that, an OLD friend of his – only to recount HIS ENTIRE BIOGRAPHY TO DUDE. And I mean the whole thing. He basically gave us his resume, backstory, and future goals and plans in one five minute convo with his oldest friend. Hey…do you know the one person you wouldn’t have to have that convo with? Your oldest friend.

Lamman Rucker is in this. Guess there wasn’t room in For Colored Girls... or something. Which reminds me of something. This movie is shot horribly. Like you know how Kanye’s “Runaway” looks terrific despite its sucktitude? How it’s visually stimulating and all that jazz? So take the exact opposite of that and subtract twelve from it (don’t forget to carry the one) and then you have N-Secure. Whoever did the cinematography either quit smoking weed the week of filming or started drinking. It’s either or.

Tempest Bledsoe is in this movie as well. So is Elise Neal. I’m not saying that neither of these women are obsolete in Hollywood, but these dames are obsolete in Hollywood. This movie is proof why. They suuuuuuuuck as actresses or actors or whatever Obama is making me call gender roles this week. Viva la death panels. Nephew Tommy wore Steve Harvey suits in the whole movie. He shouldn’t have. And he’s a bad actor. Denise Boutte, the chick that Mike left Jill Scott’s character for in Why Did I Get Married, is in this. I’ve got to say that I know she’s supposed to be attractive. Conventionally speaking she is, I guess. but there’s something about her that I just find unappealing. Perhaps its the Easter Island head style facial structure she has.

By the way, here’s an ACTUAL quote from the movie: “I’d rather have another man’s d*ck in my mouth than in my woman.”

I think that kind of sums up the movie actually. Bad idea with worse execution but not enough time to go redo it over with something better so they just said f*ck it, let’s just put it out there and hope nobody actually notices how bad this is. Hell, there were a total of five of us in the theater so perhaps they got that right.

With that said, I ABSOLUTELY think you should all go see this movie. While it was a terrible movie and I’m pretty sure it’s actually a spoof of Tyler Perry films (which might make it great actually), it was also as entertaining a movie as I’ve seen in a while. I was in actual tears form laughing so hard. From the terrible conversation, to the suspended reality of believing that the lead actor, Cordell, is supposed to be a desirable genius ( dude completes a huge sudoku puzzle WHILE on the phone talking shop with somebody else in under a minute) despite looking like himself, to the untied up loose ends (like, for real, they just left some sh*t completely unattended to, which is odd considering how in the grand scheme of things, they’re fairly significant plot points), to the CSI level acumen involved, to just the non-sensicality of it all.

Heck, I feel like I should have hosted a VSB N-Secure sit-in trip in the DC area. I’d go see it again! Perhaps for part two, Still N-Secure, me no know.

Either way, if you don’t have anything else to do, this is definitely a good way to waste 2 hours of your life that you’ll never get back. Sure you could have had a V8, but I’m pretty sure I saw a piece of Essence Atkins boobs, so there.

Posse out.